Stimulating Sunday – Dealing With Fear

When Tears Won't Clear Your FearsHave you ever been so scared you just want to cry?  I mean really sob like your heart is about to leap out of your chest and you feel like you’re having a heart attack.  That type of scared.

I had this feeling AGAIN this week.  I’m about to tell you something so personal and revealing of my emotions that I’m almost nervous to even write about it… Here it goes.

If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’d know that I’m a HUGE childhood cancer awareness advocate since my daughter, Amelie, is a leukemia survivor.  My most recent post was on Bear Necessities Pediatric Cancer Foundation, which helped us tremendously.  She is now off of treatment for 2 years; actually April 22nd is her anniversary.

Now the first time I was so scared that I cried was when I received the news of Amelie’s diagnosis.  I was frightened with many emotions all mushed together.  All I thought about was DEATH.  My daughter was going to die and she’s only 5 years old, I thought.  Since that moment I learned so much about cancer and probably more than I really want to know.

However God placed me as her mother and she as my daughter for a reason.  The life that we once knew was lost and gone into faded memories.  We would never have the easy life back… we were now thrown into a new normalcy. New normalcy I didn’t want but it was thrown into my lap and it was horrible.  This was my new life and my family was knee deep in it with me.  Thank God, He was with me the whole entire time because when I felt it couldn’t get worse and I didn’t know what to do God was there to hold me letting me know we weren’t the only ones to go through such struggles.  We met so many families because part of the normalcy was being in the hospital for weeks at a time and meeting people you probably wouldn’t ever meet.  Now that was a blessing.  I met my very best friend there and her son was going through leukemia too but much differently than Amelie.

Well you know the feeling that you’re just drifting through the daily motions and wonder if you’re dreaming or if it’s real.  Yes, that’s what most days were like.  The immense amount of medication poured into this little body was excruciating.  The needles, the bone marrow biopsy, the red blood cell & platelet transfusions, the surgery for her port in her chest, more needles, her screaming and confused.  It would break my heart and make me angry when she would have a tantrum and not let the nurses put the needle in her port.  It was horrible.

Who can blame her for her reaction?  It was draining on the emotions and then when you head home thinking you’d get some decent sleep or rest there is the dreaded medication calendar.  Everyday completely filled except for the weekends.  There were only 2 meds to worry about on Saturday and Sunday for most months.  This would go on for the next 2½ years of her life.  She was called lucky because if she were a boy she would have to do treatment for 3 years.  Girls got it a little easier.  The first few months were definitely the hardest not because it was all brand new but the amount of medicine was CRAZY.  Then the reaction she would have to the meds was CRAZY too.  She was taking high doses of Dexamethasone and oh boy when she would take that she was HUNGRY!  I mean she would have canned ravioli (the whole can) at Midnight, 2:00AM, 4:00AM, and want a full breakfast at 7:00AM.  This was everyday she was on the medicine.  I have to say she was so cute with her chipmunk face and rounded belly.  It wore off once the dosage went down but then that’s when her hair fell out.  That was sad but she was a trooper because she knew it would come back.

Why was I reminiscing on these events?  I mean I pretty much pushed all the horrific details to the back of my mind hoping and praying I’d never see my daughter go through cancer again.

This week Amelie had a bellyache and the doctor ordered a CT scan.  The CT scan showed a spot on her spleen and then the other testing started… More blood tests and the pediatrician talked with oncologist…  They want to do an ultrasound to get a better picture of the SPOT.  Wow!  Did my hubby and I freak out?

Thoughts running in our head:

Not again…  BUT she has no fever??  This can’t be IT.  Again the oncologist asked for specific blood tests and got them done right away.  Thank God they came out fine.  All the blood looked good.  They still want an ultrasound… WHY?  I know the docs are trying to be thorough but all we can think of is lymphoma or leukemia.  The doctors say that they are not that concerned and it’s probably a cyst or an abnormality she was born with.  Nothing much you can do with it.  Of course as parents we’re FREAKING out and so then as soon as we think we have moved on with that phase of our life it comes right back to bite us on the butt.

Cancer is taunting us, ridiculing us… #pediatriccancersucks

Then I look at Amelie and see her laughing at her favorite TV show and I say what am I worried about.  This is the strongest chick I know!  She’ll be turning 10 next month and we are going to throw her a HUGE party.

We have faith in God for whatever comes our way He is with us and she can beat IT again.  So for all the crying and the fear of WHAT IF… that’s exactly what the devil wants.

You know what!  God is good and we have so much faith in the Lord Jesus that nothing will crumble us or cripple us.

We have too much living to do with our family! retweetbutton



What do YOU get out of this story?

  1. Knowing that you’re not alone.  You may have this ultimate FEAR that makes you cringe and want to sob out loud, but know you’re not alone.
  2. If God brought you to it He’ll bring you through it.  I know it may seem cliché but it’s TRUE.  You never know the strength you hold until you go through something so life changing as cancer.

Some bible verses that remind me that God is my strength and I need to trust in Him.

Philippians 4:13 

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Psalm 112:7 

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Have you ever been so scared you want to cry and scream?

What was it in your life that you struggled with or maybe you’re struggling with now?

Do you have a family or friend to lean on?

I know I’m glad I have my family and God sending my second daughter 6 months prior to the diagnosis wasn’t an accident.  She held that bright light for us to see the good when there was so much bad around us.

Tell me about it.

Take care and Blessings,



Published by Lillian De Jesus

Connect with me on Twitter @tigerlilyva11!

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